"Watch that attitude!"

I used to hate that phrase. Whenever someone said it, I would always boil inside. But lately, I've been thinking a lot about attitude. It affects everything I do and how I feel whether it's being done to me or I'm giving in to it. A lot of people don't think they can control their attitude... "It's just a part of me" or "I deal with it", (and especially since I am also fluent in this vernacular) I beg to differ.

Our attitude towards life is something we can control and it may benefit us to do so. My friend gave me a perfect example, so I thought I'd relay it here: "Several people are yelled at by a stranger (let's call him Jeff), 'EEFFF YOU!' One laughs and ignores him. Another pouts and walks away. The last yells back and socks Jeff in the face. They all heard the same words, but defined them differently. The way we perceive and relate to life's situations defines our attitude and lifestyle."

According to The New Oxford American Dictionary - 3rd Edition, attitude is "a settled way of thinking or feeling about someone or something". So what if we didn't settle in our feelings. What if we stepped back from them and looked at how they affected us (mentally, physically, spiritually, etc.) and the people around us (especially the ones we care about). Is it really worth all the stress to feel anxious about a test, or getting irritated at your brother for having the TV volume too loud. Loved ones aside, is it worth it to feel angry or sad? I mean those feelings are just such a lousy feelings. I would want to avoid it if I could.

Now, I'm not saying that we can just pack up the attitude and stuff it in a closet somewhere. That would just be cruelly suppressing feelings in yourself. At some point, you're going to explode (I know I would). But it's not so much as suppressing it, as it is becoming aware of it. As of late, my motto has been along the lines of "awareness and understanding brings clarity and kindness". Corny, but it makes sense to me.

I'll be honest. I have an anger problem. I know it. I'm aware of it. So is my whole family. And when they see it, they stay away from me. When I'm angry, I become like a bull dozer ready to roll over anything in my path, and it's difficult to see or listen to anything or anyone.

But I notice, that the more I practice becoming aware of the situation I'm angry at, I feel less frustrated (and for a shorter period of time, may I add). Which is really important because I've been angry to the point where the only way to get rid of the feeling is to exhaust myself or fall asleep. No one likes that. I don't like that. I don't like feeling like that. But I'm learning to shake it off faster just by stepping back from the situation and breathing through my next steps (since I tend to be pretty useless when I'm angry).

A long time ago, when I was still a gymnast, I was having a terrible day... an angry day. My teammate told me something that was sort of hard for me to grasp in that state. She said, "I keep this idea with me everywhere. Will it matter five years from now?" Today, I have a better understanding of what she meant; she wanted me to step back from my angry, pinhole-d mind and see a bigger picture. How much clearer things tend to be when you can see the whole picture. There's an awareness, and in result, a better understanding of the situation. Think of it like a noise in the dark. There's a fear of not seeing, but when you turn on the lights, there's suddenly no fear. There's an understanding of the situation, and then, you can take action whether it's a robber or your cat. Either way, it's ten times less frustrating when you understand what's happening.

Well, I just laid a big part of me on the table. It's not something I'm proud of, but I'm working on it (not just dealing with it). I'm not letting myself brush it under the rug anymore and I don't want anyone to let me do it if I treat them poorly in a fit of anger. My friend said that he's not going to eat shit, and I shouldn't either. (That was deserving of much hugs). I'm practicing to become aware of my emotions and control them. I don't want to be a victim of them anymore. So I'm watching my attitude.

I'm also watching this 3-hour seminar on non-violent communication here. It's corny for the first 15 minutes or so, (and also puppets throughout) but bear with it... It really has the goods (and hits home with the puppets).